The calendar says this is the last week of April. This is a
big week in the Leininger household. It was 32 years ago this
Thursday, right here at Saint Andrew-by-the-Sea, that Christie
and I were married. Thirty-two years is not all that much around
this congregation where there are so many of you who have been
together for 50 years plus. The long marriages that many of you
have enjoyed (and I hope that is the correct word) are really
remarkable these days. I do not know whether I will live long
enough to make that lofty plateau - it would be nice. At any
rate, we are pleased to be able to celebrate our 32nd and are
looking forward to many more.
I remember the day very well. It was a Saturday. I got up
early in the morning. In those days I made my living playing
phonograph records on the radio (phonograph records - remember
those?) and I had to be on the air at 6:00 AM. I could have had
the day off, but I figured I might as well work - the wedding was
not until 8:00 that night (a candlelight ceremony, so it had to
be dark) - I needed something to fill the time. I did my show
nervously; I was excited for some reason. The phone was ringing
off the hook with folks calling to offer congratulations,
unsolicited advice, and bad jokes about wedlock. My show was
over at 10 AM, so there was still plenty of time to kill. I
played golf. I do not remember how I did - not very well, I
suspect - my concentration would have been faulty.
It should have been. After all, marriage is a big step. At
one wedding ceremony, when the couple knelt at the altar for the
closing prayer and benediction, it was noticed that on the soles
of the groom's shoes someone (maybe he himself) had painted the
letters "HE-LP." No wonder. In this country, I am not sure how-many-million couples will march down the proverbial aisle this
year, but we all know that almost half of them will end up split.
In this week's issue of TIME magazine, the closing essay is
about marriage and the number of multiple "marriers" in our
society. It begins,
Barring a last minute reconciliation, Larry King is
about to get unhitched for the eighth time. This
despite the fact that his wife, Shawn Southwick, is 26
years younger and a foot taller than he is. In other
words, a perfect match. Nevertheless, it seems likely
that the x-Mrs. King club will soon welcome its seventh
member - only seven because one of the Mrs. Kings
served two tours. (1)
The article goes on to note that Larry is hardly the record-holder in this dubious competition. That goes (for the moment,
at least) to the late Linda Wolfe of Indiana who had 23 husbands,
although she admitted that she married the last one as a
publicity stunt. Uh-huh. The others, of course, were "totally
genuine and heart-felt." Yeah. Sometimes I wonder, considering
the damage and pain that divorce causes, perhaps marriage
licenses should require testing beforehand, the same way driver's
licenses do. Marriage is a BIG step, and for most of us without
the "benefit" of lots of experience, a step into the unknown.
I recall the story of a judge questioning a woman about her
suit for divorce who asked, "How long have you known your
husband?"
She replied, "Judge, I was acquainted with him for four
years, but I did not KNOW him until after we were married and I
asked for money to buy a dress."
A little boy in religion class was asked what Jesus said
about people getting married?" And he answered immediately,
"Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."
I doubt that Christie and I REALLY knew what we were doing.
We had not known each other all that long. Her folks had retired
to Hilton Head a few months before, joined this church where I
was active, and brought Christie to worship one Sunday when she
was visiting from her home in Wilmington, NC. That was the first
time we ever set eyes on one another. The first time we spoke
was at a party her folks hosted two days before Christmas - they
had invited me because some friends of theirs had a daughter who
also happened to be in broadcasting; she was visiting for the
holidays, would be at the party - they thought we might hit it
off. She was a lovely lady, but I spent most of my time around
Christie. Surprise! Our first date was a week later; our
second, the night after that; our third, the next day; and our
fourth, the next. Then she had to go back to Wilmington. Two
more days and we were engaged...on the telephone. Elapsed time?
Two weeks.
Needless to say, everyone was shocked. My friends could not
believe that this 33-year-old with an exceedingly active social
calendar would do such a thing. After all, Hilton Head at the
time was bachelor's paradise - 30,000,000 lovely ladies and only
two eligible guys. It was a busy life. One lady of my
acquaintance said, "I didn't know you wanted to get married. If
you had only told me, I would have married you." Hmm. When
Christie's brothers heard the news they said, "Gee, Christie, we
thought, of all the people in this family, you were the smart
one!"
My folks were caught off guard - they had been down to visit
me only a couple of weeks earlier and had heard no mention of
anything like this - obviously not...I had not met her yet. A
few weeks ago, during my mother's funeral service, as I
reminisced a bit, I recalled my mom's response upon hearing for
the first time about Christie and me. She said, "Well, that's
fine, but David, you really ought not to have children. God was
very smart in setting things up so people could have babies when
they are young; that's the only time in life you have enough
energy to handle them. You're too old and set in your ways."
Right!
Some years later, I had the privilege of officiating at my
mom's wedding - she had been widowed for a number of years and
now was about to marry another Presbyterian minister, also
widowed, a man who had been friends with my folks since their
seminary days at Princeton. As we stood in the sacristy and
prepared to go into the sanctuary for the ceremony, I said, "Mom
(who was age 74 at the time), one thing - you ought not to have
any children; you're old and set in your ways!!! She stuck her
tongue out at me. Tee-hee.
Christie's Mom and Dad were also caught off guard with our
announcement, but they really could not say anything - 35-years
before they had become engaged on their first date and were
married five weeks later. That had worked out just fine.
Perhaps history was repeating itself.
Within three weeks, Christie had pulled up her Wilmington
stakes and moved to her parents' home here on the Island. She
had to: back in the day before cell phones and unlimited calling, in those three weeks we ran up over $300 in telephone
bills - we could not afford love by long distance.
There was plenty to keep Christie busy - arrangements to be
made, invitations to be sent, dresses ordered, and so on. For
me, little to do except sweat. After all, the role of the man in
these events is generally limited to showing up, on time, clean,
sober, and not to embarrass anyone. Other than that, STAY OUT OF
THE WAY! So I did.
The big day arrived. The combination of work and golf
helped to fill the time. The hour eventually arrived. I got
dressed in my "monkey suit," came to the church, posed for
pictures, and finally made the short walk to the front of the
candlelit sanctuary. John Wood Robison and my father would
jointly officiate. It was a gorgeous setting.
The Wedding March began. All eyes looked to the rear
waiting for Christie and her father to appear - they were nowhere
to be seen. The music continued - still no Christie. The
organist played the March again - still nothing. Our friends in
the church began to look at one another quizzically. Maybe she
got smart and backed out. I leaned over to my Best Man and
whispered, "In my business, this is what they call dead air."
Finally when the organist began playing the Wedding March for the
third time, Christie and her father appeared - whew!
It was a wonderful ceremony, very traditional, lots of
music. Christie would have enjoyed it...had she been there. Oh,
she was physically there, but mentally she was on some other
planet. You see, at the rehearsal the night before, both of us
had gotten caught up in the emotion of the moment and had shed
some joyful tears. She decided then and there that she would not
do the same thing the next night, so she wrapped her mind in a
steel cocoon and went through the wedding like one of the
Stepford wives. She says that she finally came to about halfway
through the reception, looked around, saw that everyone was
having a good time, and figured that things had gone all right.
They did indeed, and have ever since.
Oh, there have been some "interesting" moments. Less than a
year later, I informed her that I was feeling called to go into
the ministry. I had known since I was eight years old that this
is what God wanted me to do, but I had refused and put it out of
my mind. Now, I could postpone it no longer. Needless to say,
she was not prepared. We were both very active and involved in
this church, but she had never anticipated anything like this.
For the next ten days, every time we looked at one another, she
burst into tears - she had said, "for better or worse," but this
was ridiculous! She had married a disc jockey, not a preacher.
I am sure it has been anything but a bed of roses being
married to me. Someone has said that when a girl marries, she
exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
That seems to be particularly true for pastors' wives, and no
doubt that is why the divorce rate for clergy is even higher than
the rest of the population these days. Very sad.
In my files I have an article entitled "A Case of
Unprofessional Conduct." It was written from the perspective of
a disgruntled parishioner who complained that Pastor Cooper did
not attend the meeting to choose the paint for the new fellowship
hall but took his son to the movies instead, did not come to the
young singles bowling banquet because he had been visiting
hospital patients all day and was just too tired; he had missed
the special musical program in October because he insisted on
taking his wife out to dinner for their wedding anniversary which
they could have done some other night. Listen to the conclusion:
One thing for certain, Pastor Cooper is not like Pastor
Ormstead. I miss him a lot. He was so available.
Anytime the church was open, he would be there. You
could call him day or night and he would come. He was
in everything, remember? Out every night of the week.
And our church really grew under his ministry, you have
got to admit that. It was a real shame he had to
resign, but after the divorce we could not very well
keep him on. You know how it is. (2)
No question, Christie has put up with a lot during our years
together. She has endured a major career change (including the
absence and inattention which come with the job). She has
supported us through seminary, made wonderful homes in the
Carolinas, Florida, Georgia, Pennsylvania, and now back here on
the island in the house we left when we went off to seminary, and
presented me with two beautiful children. And she has done it
all with unfailing love, grace, acceptance, forgiveness, and good
humor. No one would deny that I married better than she did. I
am more glad than I could ever say that she has hung in there
because I cannot imagine life without her.
I think back to the early chapters of Genesis, the story of
creation. God created this and said it was good, and that and
said it was good, and the other thing and said it was good. Do
you know the first thing that scripture says is not good? "Not
good for the man to be alone." (3) I say AMEN!
Actually, scripture has very little to say about HOW not to
be alone. There is not much in the way of instruction for
married life. One of the few passages is found in that lesson we
read a few moments ago. The relationship between a husband and
wife, says Paul, should be like that between Christ and the
church - caring, accepting, forgiving, affirming, and being
willing to sacrifice...even life itself. That might not sound
strange to us, but it was a radical concept in the first century
when marriages were arranged and any love that developed was
accidental.
What might be more important for us to note is the other
side of that coin, this equally radical affirmation that the Lord
loves you and me "for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in
sickness and in health." God loves us despite our odd habits,
our inattentiveness, our unloveableness. Why should God bother?
Why should Christie bother? As the lesson says, "This is a great
mystery..." But if you take nothing away from this morning other
than one thing, let it be this: God loves you...for better or
worse. And that is good news indeed.
If you have been waiting for me to unravel the mystery of
how to have a wonderful marriage, I will do it now. The pat
answers like work hard at it, be willing to give without
expecting anything in return, establish good lines of
communication, "the family that prays together stays together"
and so on, you have heard before. In an article in Newsweek two
weeks ago called "Beyond the Bad Boys," (4) the advice particularly
to men is don't fool around, especially in these days of You Tube
and golf clubs, spend more time with your kids, and do more
house-work. OK. The article notes that more and more men are
heeding the advice and the result is a divorce rate in this
country that has been on the decline for the past 25 years.
Hallelujah! All that advice is helpful, no doubt, but following
any of it is no guarantee. The only sure-fire way I can suggest
is to marry someone as wonderful as Christie.
A reporter once asked Henry Ford, when he celebrated his
Golden Wedding Anniversary, to what he attributed his 50 years of
successful married life. Mr. Ford replied, "The formula is the
same I have used in making cars - stick to one model!" I intend
to do the same.
April 29th. When Christie and I stood at the altar here at
St. Andrew that night, neither of us would have dreamed the route
we have come. We took the vows, "...for better, for worse, for
richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to
cherish, till death us do part." We did not know what we were
doing, but I am glad we did it. Thank you for my life, Christie.
God loves you, and so do I...more than I could ever say. Happy
anniversary.
Amen!
1. Belinda Luscombe, "Revoking the Marriage License," TIME, 5/3/10, p. 64
2. Jean Shaw, Eternity, 2/80, p. 35
3. Genesis 2:18
4. Julia Baird, Newsweek, 4/18/10, p. 24
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